Friday, May 02, 2008

We're On Vacation Today...

...Preparing for what we hope will be the Cavs final series game tonight in Washington. Rather than rehash my thoughts about the Cavs, Lebron and our long-suffering major league sports teams and what they mean to Cleveland, I'll instead link to this disquisition on those subjects that I served up two years ago at NBA playoff time. I'll be traveling this weekend, and will take a rare two consecutive days off of my writing here. But I'll be back in the saddle on Monday. Talk to y'all then, my lovelies.


At 1:20 PM, Anonymous on "disquisition" said...

What a beautifully crafted piece. Absolutely one of my favorites. Enjoy the game, and hope to hear about highlights of retreat. :)

At 9:26 PM, Anonymous craig said...


Since you are "on vacation," I thought it might be nice to post some work from some budding wordsmiths. Ha! It may cause you to reflect on how far you have come.

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two humming-birds who had also never met.

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

At 10:07 AM, Blogger Theresa said...

These are my favorites:

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

This stuff is hilarious...and it disappoints me that I didn't save my earlier works that I could go back and laugh at just as much. After a rough night at work, this was a great end to a nutty night :D

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Art Durkee said...

Some of those, like no. 6, also one of my favorites, are so good, you wonder if the kids weren't having some fun and flexing their imaginations. Amid the usual "what were they thinking?!" dross, of course.

At 2:36 PM, Anonymous cr said...

Just got the new book, "The Inspired Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln." (2008) Have you read it?

At 8:40 AM, Blogger John Ettorre said...

I loved them all, but I especially loved #s 4 and 5, which really made me chuckle. Thanks so much for adding such entertaining stuff to keep my audience enlightened and amused while I was gone. And cr (a new commenter? I think you may be), I've not only never read that book, but haven't seen it anywhere, either. So here's hoping you'll drop us a line about it, and tell us what you think. It's almost a fulltime job keeping up on all the new stuff about a very old president. But then he's a subject that never gets old. Anyway, thanks for mentioning it. I think I'll check it out this week at the bookstore.

At 10:18 AM, Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

The high school kids made my morning!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go use my thigh master.

Hope you had a good weekend John!

At 10:25 AM, Blogger John Ettorre said...

Yes, the thigh master item definitely rates an honorable mention. Do please send us photos of yourself on the thigh master. I know that will cause a sudden spike in traffic.


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